The last few weeks have brought some interesting insights into the working psyche of some of my patients. Two particular women specifically. I want to tell you about Betty.
Betty was diagnosed HIV positive in 2001, in what is fair to call, a different era of HIV. In South Africa, this was a time well before Antiretroviral treatment became available, in a time when Minister Tshabalala Msimang and President Mbeki were openly dismissive of AIDS. At this time, Betty found out that her future plans, dreams and goals would all become impossible. She was only 21, had only ever had one sexual partner and would now probably not ever be able to marry, have children or raise a family. Betty had to grieve for the loss of all her dreams. She did so silently, and did not disclose her status to anyone, not even a parent. She isolated herself from social interaction, broke up with her boyfriend immediately, and stopped dating. I can only imagine the loneliness and hopelessness she would have felt after discovering her status at such a young age.
She continued to work, but spent every salary payment on disposable, immediate items. She did not take out any insurance policies, no retirement annuity. But, she did buy a funeral policy.She sought no medical help or counselling. She believed she had enough information to know that she would die young and would never live a normal life. She planned to die, saw no alternative and began to live the life of a ghost in waiting.
She came in to my rooms a few weeks ago because she had developed a rash. What ensued was an intense exploration of her beliefs, fears and thoughts about her status. At some point I summarised and told her that she had stopped living on that day in 2001, and started planning to die. She paused and a flicker of recognition in her eyes suggested that I had hit the nail on the head.
We continued our discussion, with a lot of information provided from my side. But, I had a desperate sense that this 31 year old needed to hear a message of hope. For goodness sake, here she was 10 years later and not even on ARVs yet. Which I pointed out to her. I gave her three messages to take home and digest: 1) HIV is a chronic illness, not a death sentence 2) HIV positive people can live a normal lifespan 3) HIV positive people can fulfill all the dreams of intimacy, relationships, family and having children. No question.
It pained me to see that she had given up a decade of her health, her youth, and her dreams out of 1)fear, 2) ignorance and 3) secrecy.
I have seen her again, and there is some change - she has opened up to the possibility of a future, but is still petrified of a relationship and cannot comprehend the possibility. 10 years of programmed thinking will not change overnight. I hope to be there to walk the new path of her future.
Betty was diagnosed HIV positive in 2001, in what is fair to call, a different era of HIV. In South Africa, this was a time well before Antiretroviral treatment became available, in a time when Minister Tshabalala Msimang and President Mbeki were openly dismissive of AIDS. At this time, Betty found out that her future plans, dreams and goals would all become impossible. She was only 21, had only ever had one sexual partner and would now probably not ever be able to marry, have children or raise a family. Betty had to grieve for the loss of all her dreams. She did so silently, and did not disclose her status to anyone, not even a parent. She isolated herself from social interaction, broke up with her boyfriend immediately, and stopped dating. I can only imagine the loneliness and hopelessness she would have felt after discovering her status at such a young age.
She continued to work, but spent every salary payment on disposable, immediate items. She did not take out any insurance policies, no retirement annuity. But, she did buy a funeral policy.She sought no medical help or counselling. She believed she had enough information to know that she would die young and would never live a normal life. She planned to die, saw no alternative and began to live the life of a ghost in waiting.
She came in to my rooms a few weeks ago because she had developed a rash. What ensued was an intense exploration of her beliefs, fears and thoughts about her status. At some point I summarised and told her that she had stopped living on that day in 2001, and started planning to die. She paused and a flicker of recognition in her eyes suggested that I had hit the nail on the head.
We continued our discussion, with a lot of information provided from my side. But, I had a desperate sense that this 31 year old needed to hear a message of hope. For goodness sake, here she was 10 years later and not even on ARVs yet. Which I pointed out to her. I gave her three messages to take home and digest: 1) HIV is a chronic illness, not a death sentence 2) HIV positive people can live a normal lifespan 3) HIV positive people can fulfill all the dreams of intimacy, relationships, family and having children. No question.
It pained me to see that she had given up a decade of her health, her youth, and her dreams out of 1)fear, 2) ignorance and 3) secrecy.
I have seen her again, and there is some change - she has opened up to the possibility of a future, but is still petrified of a relationship and cannot comprehend the possibility. 10 years of programmed thinking will not change overnight. I hope to be there to walk the new path of her future.
Wow! The story is almost similar to mine, just a few differences here and there.I was also tested when I was 21, I'm now 30 . I was not sexually active then and I'm still not sure where I got it from. I must say that day was the worst day of my life. I thought I would die within months. Almost never went to college thinking that it was of no use since I was dying.I think I gave up a little bit on life and had not so good grades at college. I was angry and bitter at the world and society.
ReplyDeleteI did not however give up on love. I met a guy who was also positive and we were together for almost 8 years. Unfortunately he passed on two years ago.
I am currently seeing someone but I still have not told him about my status fearing rejection. I have tried several times to tell him but it just would not come out. He has even asked me to go for tests and I keep avoiding the topic.I suggested that we go together but he also gives excuses I don't know why.I feel uncomfortable discussing the issue therefore can't even ask him why I should be the one to go for tests and not both of us. Now I'm considering breaking up with him before I even tell him. It sure feels better than for me to tell him and getting rejected.
I will have to start treatment soon so I have a lot on my mind right now.
In your future blogs, may you share on dating and disclosure? I'm sure I'm not the only one having such problems. When is the right time to tell one's date about one's status? I would really appreciate it.
Thank you
Early September 2011 I have discovered that I'm HIV positive. I have only been sleeping with one partner who is my husband for the past 6 years. On the 19 June 2011 I was involved with someone, infact we were not dating we were friends howver due to vulnarability one thing lead to another. We kissed and we wanted to have sex but I couldn't let him penatrate I was too scared. He ended up playing with his penis on top of my virgina untill he came. Now I wondering is it possible that I could have got HIV from him or from my husband. I have told my husband the whole story and he also tested positive. My CD4 count was 530 and my virol load 19000 mid Sep. My Doctor said my results indicates that the virus has been on my body for long as when its new the virol load is 100000 to 80000. Now when I asked her how long is long, is it 3 months is it a year. She could not say. I want to tell my friend that he must go and test himself as I have found out this. But then I ask myself is it necessary to do that, bcz I don't think from what we did we might have transfered each other HIV. Can you please give me some clarity if there is one.
ReplyDeleteI'm HIV positive, I'm not on any treatment yet as my CD4 count is more than 500. I had a cut in my finger which was healed already long ago. Today I have noticed lumps around that scare since this morning.
ReplyDeleteHowevr they are starting to disapear now. Is that normal or should I worry.
Secondly what type of food should one concetrate on when you are HIV. Eg I hear people saying you must eat a lot of beetroot etc.