I am delighted to introduce you to a guest blogger who can tell her story from her heart. her story goes like this:
The year was 2001, I was a 20 year old ambitious Zimbabwean young lady. So full of life and looking forward to university and becoming the answer to my family's financial cries. My life was well planned, finish high school, work whilst waiting for college, attend college, get a very good job, get married and have kids. Getting an HIV test was never part of the equation. After all, I had never indulged in sex and from what I was hearing on the news and on TV and posters that were plasted all over town, HIV was for sexually active and promiscuous people and I was not one of them.
Then something happened. I developed swollen glands all over my body. My Aunt was a nurse so I got to know these where swollen glands from the booklets that she used to bring at home from workshops that she attended. I also got to know that swollen glands were one of the signs of being infected with HIV. I was worried sick and to put my mind at rest, I decided to go for an HIV test. I know this story sounds unreal but that is what happened to me.
One Friday afternoon I went to the nearest VCT centre but unfortunately found it closed and was told to come back very early the following day. A part of me almost thought this was a sign that I should not do the test. But I just wanted to do it to prove that I was okay. They kept talking about HIV/AIDS everywhere I went and people were dying daily. And they also always advised people to go for tests so I decided that I was doing the right thing though I must admit, I was really scared but my bravery came from within me because I was not sexually active.
Saturday morning, just after they opened, I was the frst person to go into the VCT centre. I planned not to tell anybody whatever the outcome of the result. The lady did everything as standard procedure. Asked for my sexual history and I was pleased to tell her I was a virgin but only came because I had developed some weird stuff on my body and I just wanted to put my mind at rest. She counselled me and then took my blood. She took close to an hour in the other room where she had taken my blood for testing and at that moment I just knew that something was wrong. When she returned, the look on her face said it all.
I remember everything like it was yesterday. I remember the shock, the anger, despair,sadness and so many horrible feelings all at once. I cried buckets and my Counsellor even cried with me. Her advice to me was that I should eat healthy foods, exercise and avoid stress and I will be fine. There was no talk of medication back then. I was so young and so small in stature and I felt cheated and robbed of a future that I had planned to have. I grew up going to church and at that moment I blamed God for not protecting me when I was saving myself for marriage and doing all the right things that a Christian should do. How could this happen to me of all people. I had a boyfriend then but we were not having sex. I thought my life was over and I just did not see the reason why I should go through with college. My plan was to go home and not tell my family. And college was something I was not going to go through since I was dying anyway, so I thought.
Sunday morning I just couldn't help it. I was alone in the bedroom and all I could think of was death and how short my life had just become. How hopeless and helpeless my situation was and how unfair life was. Saying I cried rivers would be an understatement, I weeped ad mourned and yelled till I could not hear my own voice. It was terrible. My sister heard my cries from outside and came to ask me what was wrong. When I couldn't answer but continued crying, she called my Aunt. After a while, with my aunt by my side, I asked her myriads of qestions which she had no answers to. I told her the whole story and in the end, we just concluded that maybe the test result was a mistake ( wishful thinking) or that I had probably got the virus from sharp objects which belonged to a close relative who had passed on after a long illness.
My Aunt was of great help to me. She counselled me and advised that I go to college and lead a normal life and I did just that. Only my aunt and sister know my status and the rest of the family are better off not knowing. I am just not ready to tell them yet though I know I may have tell them later on. Years later I met and fell in love with someone very special to me who was also positive. Unfortunately he passed on and I have not met another man yet.
I relocated to South Africa years later and started medication in Decemeber last year and I am glad I did. With Xenophobia issues going on in South Africa, I feared the worst at the clinics but to my surprise, the Medical Staff are so nice to me and to everyone, both to South Africans and to foreigners. For that I am truly grateful. Before the medication my CD4 count was 91 but doubled in six months. I had to disclose my status to my boss who was very understanding and my collegues were and still are great too. I am sorrounded by a strong support system and I am strong as ever.
I have grown to know that bad things happen to good people and I choose to be strong and healthy and just live as normal a life as possible. I love God and no longer blame him but am grateful for each day that comes knowing that my life can only get better and not worse.
Now I only want to meet Mr Right, marry and have a family of my own. I have dated some guys and have disclosed my status but it never worked. The first guy just could not see a future with me which I think is sad because I do have a brilliant future ahead of me, with or without him. I have heard people saying that they dont disclose their status to their lovers fearing rejection. This is one of the reasons why the virus keeps spreading. I look forward to a future where HIV is just another condition and not somethng to shun people for. Most importantly, I have learnt to accept myself the way I am if I am to expect others to accept me too.
I look forward to more blogging.
Regards
Graced Rachael